live to tie edited

I never anticipated this to happen. Not even a day has passed since I wrote my reflection on lyf retreat. But the problem is this: reading back several times, i felt like i did not address HOW God worked in me and in what specific ways. The previous post read like an instruction manual, boring and without a personal tone. In fact I used the second person pronoun most of the time, making me sound like a teacher who is out there to instruct people what to do. I got the feeling that if a random person stumbled upon my post, he'll have the impression that I didn't learn much this past weekend. But in reality, as I probably failed to stress in the previous post, lyf retreat 2008 was revolutionary and life changing. While it's true that I exhibited similar feelings after every retreat, thinking my life had undergone a complete make over year after year, I have never discovered the truth about relationships. Previous "revolutions" were characterized by spiritual revival, and not much more. Yes having a renewed passion for Christ is pretty darn important, but I failed to actually live like I am a Christian. I've always perceived a Christian life as one of spirituality, in that the main focus is only about me and God. And that other relationships, whether with parents or friends, are not a byproduct of my spiritual relationship but rather a relationship driven by self desires, which does not imply selfishness but rather exhibiting a cautious mindset of when to draw the line between loving and sacrificing. I was aware of God's unconditional love for me and that i should share the same love towards all others. So I naively thought if I maintain a good relationship with god and god only, i am qualified as a good christian. I knew as a Christian, love is essential and it drives my words and governs me every second of my life. But where should the line be drawn? When is the ideal time for me to say "enough, I need to stave back and take care of myself because i am giving up too much". The answer is never. As Bum stated, this is a command of God. I MUST love ALL others 100/0. It is not implied, it is not recommended, it IS COMMANDED!

Such a command will bring about better relationships i am sure but how is it possible I thought? yes all is possible through him but this seems soo daunting and impossible to achieve. It was at that time that I realized the weakness of my faith. I did not possess 100% trust in the Lord despite all that he had provided me with. Living in this world has instilled selfishness in my heart. Sacrificing and loving are only considered good deeds. With all this, I find it overwhelming to try to practice 100/0. To self-evaluate, I have always maintain a 50/50 relationship with most people, with a strong desire to push for 70/30 because God said "I should". But now with the awareness that I am COMMANDED to go 100/0, I am praying fervently to God asking him to kill every single thought of selfishness there possibly can be, to dive deeper into his words to further analyze the topic, and to pour out on me the gift of translation. Theres no doubt that I am definitely taking strides towards 100/0 but theres always going to be set backs and I just pray and hope that I'll have discipline.

There was one issue that predominantly took over me during the last one and a half day of the retreat. And be cautioned that I will explain the following information in a very subtle way to ensure confidentiality :( Keeping all Bum had said in mind, I began to question my current situation at the time. I concluded that I was once again acting out of selfishness and neglected God's plan. Memories were replayed as I spent some time gazing at the stillness of the lake water. Why father, why? I understood very well God's rationale but as a human, a rather stubborn one, I obstinatedly complained and complained and complained even more. Unwilling to accept his decision, I sat in front of the lake reflecting and praying. Asking God to suppress my personal desires and the preservation of the **********, I felt immediate relief. All of a sudden I felt that everything that was stressful about the situation completely subsided but unfortunately they came back to me. However I knew perfectly well how to counter them. Everytime I felt a hint of selfisht thought I cried out to the lord. There was simply no other way for me to alleviate those thoughts. I couldn't rely on myself for I am weak. He is strong and he told us to cast all anxieties onto him. And I did exactly that. As Sunday progressed, I felt the load getting lighter and lighter only to be complicated further due to the observable ********* from#$#@$@#%@, because other others' words. Sunday night I confronted #@$#@%@# and after a short exchange things became much more clear. Monday on the bus ride home I hit the wall again. God put me through one of the hardest tests i have ever encountered. He flashed back images of J,R, and finally #$#$@#$. Altho with #!@#%@#$ is nothing like the other ones, somehow they all came to be grouped together O.o now looking back and applying new knowledge, J and R represented ones that were out of selfishness. Thus explaining why despite all my efforts of improving, things were always similar or even the same. It was with R that I incorporated the element of prayer into it. I prayed about many aspects of it, stating how if it was according to his will that certain things happen, then let them be. Looking back in reflection, I never genuinely meant those words, i only said them simply because. After R, which was significantly differnt from J, i began to taste the sweetness of what i now know to be sacrificial love, as was looking optimistically into the future. Like I said before I have no idea y @#$#@!$ was grouped with J&R because they weren't similar at all. I was pretty much having an emo moment for i was my thoughts consisted of the worst possible things that might occur. I felt like we'll be no more communication, no more **********, no matter how hard i try i am just incapable. The world felt pretty dark at the moment. My brothers soon noticed my unusual behavior and immediately stopped what they were doing to "rescue" me. We all took turns to talk to father and eventually the moment lifted. This special occassion brought me to realize the healing magic and power of accountability :) Anyways i should cut this story short be4 it gets unsubtle but all in all the situation is in the process of being resolved as god have definitely provided clarity and direction.

There you have it, a more personal version of my reflection.
Sorry for the crappy and subtle writing in this last part. I debated about whether i should put it out like this but being a crucial part of my retreat experience, i had little difficulty making the decision.